


Squipped!! RACCOONS!!

by Beth Harker (Beth_Harker)



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Post canon, mentions of drug use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27701662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beth_Harker/pseuds/Beth%20Harker
Summary: Jeremy accidentally Squips an entire army of raccoons.  It’s a big problem, but luckily he’s got Christine and Michael to help him solve it.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

The Squip makes sure that Jeremy has enough pills to Squip the entire school, but it doesn’t quite work out that way. Ultimately only five other students and one teacher have to deal with that bullshit. It means that Jeremy has a lot that he should be grateful for. The techno zombie situation, bad as it was, could’ve been a million times worse! 

It also means that Jeremy finds the box in the bottom of his locker when he’s cleaning it out at the end of junior year. If his locker had been any less of a disaster, he would’ve found it months ago. The sight of the box makes him want to throw up even more than the two month old banana of doom on top of it. His hands are numb as he places it in his backpack. On the ride home he wants to tell Michael, but his stutter is acting up like mad, and given the baggage he has around that it’s not long before he gives up talking entirely. Usually Jeremy is glad that Michael takes his weirdness is stride, but this is one of those times that Jeremy wishes that Michael would figure out that something outside the usual shit is wrong. 

They’re having a sleepover to celebrate the end of school. Micheal remains overly cool with Jeremy flat out not speaking, so Jeremy waits until Michael falls asleep, goes out the the dumpster behind his house, and ditches the Squip filled shoebox. Problem solved! Kinda. At any rate, Jeremy’s able to act borderline normal the next day. Michael doesn’t question that either, but that’s fine. Every thing is fine, in fact. 

Weeks pass, and things remain fine. Then, one night, Jeremy notices a group of twelve raccoons sitting in an eerily perfect circle in his backyard. They gaze up at him, something very wrong in their shiny raccoon eyes. 

Jeremy shuts his curtains and tells himself that he’s being stupid. 

The next night there are even more raccoons in his backyard. They’re not in a circle this time. They’re sitting in a formation of letters that spells out a sentence: 

“LET US IN”

No way in hell Jeremy is going to let the synchronized letter raccoons into his house! He shuts the curtains and dives into his bed, wondering why his life sucks so much. 

There is a shaking sound downstairs. Jeremy runs down to find a raccoon trying to open the kitchen window with his tiny raccoon hands. He locks the window, and calls Michael. 

———————

Michael is stoned when Jeremy calls. 

“I accidentally squipped a small army of raccoons and I need your help. I know it’s stupid, and I know I messed up, but I just really...” 

“Hold up,” Michael says. His head is hella fuzzy. “You squipped an army of raccoons?”

“I shouldn’t exist. I ruin everything, and they’re trying to break into my house.” 

“Hey. No worries. It’s far from the worst thing you’ve ever done. Just don’t Squip yourself, and it’s all cool. I’ll be right over. Might take a while. Not in a driving mood.” 

“...you’ll be no match for them if you don’t have a car.” 

“Nah, I’ve got this. My moms bought water balloons for my cousin’s birthday. I’ll fill them up with red.” 

“I’m going to ask Christine to come pick you up.” 

———————

Christine is watching YouTube videos of Frankenstein the Musical when Jeremy calls. It’s obscure and weird, but not as weird as what Jeremy has to say. 

“Okay. Um. So. I think I accidentally Squipped a small army of raccoons.”

“...What? How?”

“Stupidity! I don’t know! I can’t come up with any other reason why the raccoons are spelling out words in my yard.”

“Rabies?” Christine asks. “I mean, it obviously isn’t rabies, but that’s the first thing that they say you should check for when wildlife is acting weird. Are you and Michael like...” Christine glances at her door “... _stoned_ ,” she finishes in a careful whisper, in case her parents are outside. 

“No! I’m not stoned. He could be, but I’m not. By he I mean Michael. Michael, I mean. He has a plan, but I need you to drive to his house and pick him up. Could you do that?” 

“I’m on it.”


	2. Chapter 2

Christine has had her driver’s license for less than two weeks. Driving friends around means breaking many laws. She’s down the stairs of her house, out the door, and taking out her keys before she remembers that. There’s something about the very concept of Squipped raccoons that begets impulsivity. It’s coursing threw her body. She does ten jumping jacks in front of her car to try to calm it, then whips out her phone, dialing Jeremy’s number. 

“Where are you?” Jeremy asks. 

“Driving with Michael in the car is illegal.”

“The raccoons are picking up increasingly large rocks and throwing them at my window. I’m pretty sure that’s also illegal.” 

“What the frig?” Christine asks. She paces in front of the car as she and Jeremy speak. Frenetic energy surrounds her, almost like an aura. 

“They’d be better at it if their hands and arms weren’t so tiny, but I definitely need reinforcement, and in retrospect, Michael is definitely stoned.” 

“That doesn’t fill me with confidence.” 

(There is a sound like pebbles hitting glass)

“Oh shit,” says Jeremy. 

“What?? What is it?” 

“Some of the things they’re throwing... well, they aren’t rocks. They’re pills.” 

“Squips!” 

“I should have known there would be more. I’m guessing there are around a hundred raccoons, but our school has more than five hundred students, so...”

“I’m a rebel!” Christine announces. “Screw laws! I! Embrace! Anarchy!! See you in like few minutes!” She hangs up the phone, gets into the car, and skids off down the street as fast as her lawless wheels will carry her.

——————

There are things that Michael wants to do— mostly eating, watching cartoons, and napping. Those things don’t matter any more. He is and always will be a loyal friend, and there’s no way in hell he’s going to make Jeremy deal with Squipped raccoons on his own! He kneels in his kitchen, filling water balloons with Mountain Dew Red, occasionally pausing to take a sip. The flavor is eighty percent rancid, fifteen percent vodka, seventy-four percent sugar, two hundred percent nostalgia, and one thousand percent exactly what being a God would feel like. The vodka notes are because the multi-decade aging process has turned the red alcoholic, which means Michael is even more cross-eyed by the end of making the balloons than he was at the beginning. 

He looks around for a way to carry the balloons to Jeremy’s house. He has about thirty, so it’s not like he can just put them in his pocket. Eventually he decides to take the bag of trash out of the trash can in the kitchen and fill the can up with the water balloons instead. Upon doing this, he drags the trash can out the door, and starts dragging it down the sidewalk towards Jeremy’s house. The walk takes about forty minutes without a trash can full of water balloons. Michael guesses it will take a little longer with them. That’s why he usually doesn’t walk, but even in his addled state, he knows that getting in his car and crashing it into a tree won’t help anybody. It’s too bad that Jeremy didn’t manage to time this life or death emergency to fit better into Michael’s schedule, but it is what it is, and Michael is going to fix it because that’s what he does. 

Five minutes into Michael’s walk, a car slows down besides him. 

“Get in!” says Christine Canigula. 

“Whoah! Christine! What a coincidence! Are you also on your way to rescue Jeremy?” 

“Yes!!” 

“Wicked! Let’s do this!” 

Christine gets out of the car to help Michael load the trash can into the back. A few balloons fall out, breaking on the floor of the car. 

“Ooh, my dads are going to kill me for this,” Christine says. 

“It’ll be fine. Just tell them I abducted you and filled your car with expired soda against your will. I’ll go along with it. Promise.” 

Christine looks doubtful. “I’m not going to throw you under the bus,” she decides. “I’ll make them realize it was all for the greater good. Somehow. First thing’s first.” 

“Epic raccoon battle!” Michael says. 

“Epic raccoon battle,” echoes Christine. 

They pull into Jeremy’s driveway. Christine’s eyes widen. “There are so many of them,” she says. “Michael, we didn’t bring enough balloons!” 

“We only need to hit one. Networks. Aim for the mouth. Or the eye. I knew a guy online who said he could drink whiskey through his eye, so based on that evidence the eye’ll probably work.” 

“The mouth or the eye,” Christine agrees. “I’ve got your back, and you’ve got mine. Promise?”

“Promise.”

————

As long as Jeremy has known Michael, Michael has been the type to rev him up for things he was afraid of through ridiculous stunts and theatrics. It’s like, Michael is never going to join play rehearsal because the idea of performing on stage makes him nauseous, but Jeremy wouldn’t be surprised if Michael one day won a Tony award for doing something absolutely off the wall to stave off a panic attack. 

That’s why Jeremy isn’t especially surprised when Michael climbs on top of Christine’s car, brandishing a water balloon high above his head like a beacon. He’s not surprised when Michael begins to shout. 

“Humans!” Michael cries out. “Are! Superior!” 

(Jeremy facepalms just a little bit here. Michael is quoting an objectively cringey season two episode of Farscape. He even starts singing out the song that Crichton did in the show, the one that goes _dun dun dun dun DUN, dun dun dun dun DUN_ , but Jeremy can’t complain, because Michael is here for the express purpose of saving his ass.)

Christine gives Michael an odd look, but only for a second, before scrambling onto the top of the car to join him. She’s wearing playbill pajamas and her hair is sticking out in every direction. She too holds a water balloon above her head.

“Now is the time to seize the day!” she sings. 

(Newsies)

“ _Dun dun dun dun DUN, dun dun dun dun DUN_ ,” Michael continues. The first water balloons fly. 

The door to Jeremy’s home opens. His father steps out, and is immediately engulfed by raccoons.


End file.
